Wednesday, July 23, 2014

You Say I'm Ugly. I Say Fuck Off

 
Even though I am a One Year Survivor.
Even though I am almost One Year out from my Double Mastectomies.
Even though I am almost Two Months out form my last surgery.
Cancer still plays a huge part in my life.
There is not a day that goes by that reminds me my of "cancer" days.
 It's amazing how just a short period in your life can change and impact the rest of your life in such a way.

Right after my mastectomies I found this.


* The bottom says -
ONE OUT OF EVERY EIGHT WOMEN DEVELOPS BREAST CANCER.  EARLY DETECTION.  GET YOURSELF CHECKED.  BLAH BLAH BLAH

This is a breast cancer ad.  Or maybe more of a scare tactic.
You don't want to be UGLY get checked early so you don't have to become UGLY.

When I found this I was so angry.  I had so many thoughts and feelings.  I wanted to do a post right then and there.  However, I was not in the "right place."  At the time I was feeling UGLY.  I was not feeling myself.  I was mad at breast cancer for taking my old body away and giving me this new UGLY body.  I agreed with this add.  Even though it made me mad as hell!!!!

How was I to think of myself in two ways at the same time.

AWESOME.
Awesome for fighting for my life.  Putting up with surgeries.  Weekly doctor appointments taking me away from my NORMAL life.  Four months of POISING my body.
I was AWESOME.
I fought the battle.
I kicked her ASS.
I have no regrets.

UGLY.
Ugly due to all these new scars.
Ugly due to not having boobs.  In our society boobs are a HUGE deal.  No boobs - not feminine.  
Being bald.  There were days I loved being bald.  I felt pretty.  However, I never felt "myself" bald.  I never felt feminine.   Girls have hair.  Short, long, spiked, dyed, girls have hair.  When I was bald I always wore more make-up.  I think it was to help me feel girly.
I was fat(er).  What doctors fail to tell you is that all the medicines that will save your life will make you gain weight like crazy.  Even the chemo will plump you up.
I didn't want to fight for my life and diet.  Shit.  If I am going to go through this I am going to have that extra scoop of ice-cream.





Today I feel pretty.  I have lost some of the weight, summer has not been kind - still sitting pretty at 168.  My hair is coming back.  I can style, cut and dye it.  My life is getting back to normal.  I still have doctor appointments but only one or so a month.   My emotions are more in line.  Thank god for crazy meds! 

Then this happened.
I am part of a Brest Cancer Face Book Group. I don't really interact with it much.  A lot of people on there are Debbie Downers.  Or just ask the same question over and over.  Some post photos of them after all the shit they went through.  It's nice knowing you are not the only one out there with out nipples.(I don't post photos there.  Even though its a closed group you never know. )  I don't look at all the post or the photos.  Skim through them and see if anything catches my eye. 
There was one that did.  I wish I took a screen shot of it but, at the time it made my blood boil it was all I could do not to chuck my phone. 
This Mega Beast said she was leaving the group.  Even though she went through the same shit as all of us, she didn't want to see other peoples scars.  She thinks people need to not be so "proud" of them.  Ladies need to keep them covered as not to "scare" other people. 
She had more to say this was the topic of her post.
Who the hell are these people telling me that I'm UGLY.  That all I went through to save my life was just a quest to make people scared.  I went through almost two years of hell.  Excuse me if I make you uncomfortable!!!!


As of today I not going to let those Mega Bitches bring me down. 
I am beautiful.   
I am alive.
I am healthy.
I have boobs.  And PS.  They are FUCKING AMAZING!!!



Friday, July 11, 2014

8 Years Ago......

My sweet, sweet Ella Rose was born this day 8 years ago.
July 11, 2006
Her daddy thought it was be awesome to have an 7/11 baby.  
Ella was a bald happy baby.  She was the prettiest bald baby I have ever seen.

Ella's true personalty shined at a young age.
Ella is always happy.


She is a girl who LOVES shoes.  May they be her own or others.


Her love of babies and dolls were there from the start. 
To this day she still loves babes.  Always pointing them out to me when we are out and about.  She has a soft spot for baldies too!


 
Bobo, a nickname given to her by daddy, is a pure girly girl. 
May it be shoes.  Make-up.  Doing her nails.  Or talking on the phone.  She loves anything pink and glittery.
I gave birth to myself!!!


 



Even as a baby she was ornery.  All she wanted to do was make you laugh.  Her first grade teacher called her the class clown.
Here she is part Pops!




 
 



Her and sisters have been best friends from the start.
How lucky are they?!  Both of them get to grow up with their best friend!

 

 
I used to be a fun mom!

Ella is one of the healthiest eaters you will ever meet.  
She also LOVES her sweets.
 







Ella is very compassionate.  Loves giving snuggles.  And a lover to animals.
 



 

 
Ella makes me very proud to be called her mom.
She is beautiful inside and out.
She is a fiery pistol and very stubborn.  
She is one of the very best things that has ever happened to  me.

Happy Birthday Ella Bobo.  Mommy loves you to the moon and back.  May you stay sweet and innocent for the rest of your life!

 

 
She just makes me crave baby nuggles!