Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I Like Dancing With The Devil

If you asked me I would say cancer has not changed me.  I still eat mostly the same foods.  I still have a diet coke addiction.  I still don't exersice  enough.
Yes.  I shamed Star Bucks here for use of caramel color level IV.
I have randomly boycotted business or food my whole life.
In middle school I decided I was no longer going to wear Nike.  I heard some things I didn't like.  Boom.  I have not worn a pair of Nike's since then.
In the same breath I would also say cancer has changed me 100%.  It made me want more out of life. My whole point before was to be a mom and wife.  Being there for them 100 percent of the time was my goal.  I loved it.  I still do.  Cancer just made me realize that one day I wont have others to devote my life to. When the girls go off to college or have kids of their own, what will I do then.  This summer I decided I wanted a career.  I went and got my real-estate licenses and started with Keller Williams.  I already have a set of buys and I love it.  If you are looking to buy and sell I am here for you!
I think everything bad is due to my cancer and or chemo.  Like this.
November 11th was one of the happiest days of my life.  All day I was finalizing how I was going to announce my third pregnancy.  I was on cloud nine.  I had little bouts of morning sickness.  I already had my two names picked out.  I was so excited to be pregnant again.  I have wanted this for 6 years.
I wanted to wait to announce until after my first sono, which was November 11.  Jason got off work early.  I picked the girls up from school.  Everyone was excited.  After an hour long wait in the waiting room, my doctor was running late due to a delivery, it was time to see the little lima bean.  And we did.  There it was.  A baby in my tummy.  I was so excited.  Then I was told the heart breaking news.  There was no heart beat.  At that moment my heart stopped beating.
In that instant cancer, chemo was all that came to my mind.  The poison  cooked my eggs.  The cancer killed my insides.  Thought after thought of why, how could this happen.
I had to go down to radiology to have another sono.  The tech, who was "super sweet", just came right out and said your baby is dead.
Gee thanks.
She told me the fetus measured out at 8 weeks 5 days.  Doing the math it had to happen  Sunday or Monday before.  My sono was on a Tuesday.
For being far enough along that a natural miscarry would be very painful to pass, I opted for a D & C.  Thursday November, 11 I my uterus was once again empty.
These past couple of weeks have been difficult for me.  Mentally.

I don't know if I was to blame, my body, my past, or the fetus itself but, as a mother, not able to keep your baby alive is a hard thing to deal with.  Even if it was not my fault, I was always feel not good enough.

Will I try again.  I never tried for my past three, I doubt I will start now.  I don't want the heartache of trying and not able to conceive.  How hard will I try to prevent becoming pregnant?
Let's just say I like to play with fire.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Starbucks Is....

Lucky you, today can be your lucky day on getting a pumpkin spice (fill in the blank)
Of course you are going to need a password to unlock this "special" drink.
However, with this lovely 100 degree weather we are having today fall might be the furthest thing from your mind.  I hope the pumpkin spice drink is too.  

Just say no

I will be first to say I am not a "clean" eater.
Hell, I'm not even a "good" eater.
Cancer did not change the way I look at food, for the most part
I still eat McDonalds.  I have though cut way back.  Do I think Ronald gave me cancer.  Fuck no.  I will put those golden goddess fries in my mouth until the day I die.  However, saving money for a possible move in the future and trying to cut down on my girth has been the reason of my set back. 
I know McD's and all other (fast) food chains put junk in their food. 
I also know I don't eat fast food, or out, every day or multiple times a day.  
There are plenty of people who do Starbucks everyday or multiple times a day.

The reason I don't blame my food choices for my cancer is this.
     A.  My cancer was a hormone base.  It feeds off hormones.  This is the reason I have my baby hotel removed.  Also the reason I can't do "normal" birth-control.  It would feed the tumor. 
     B.  I don't believe I eat "junk" food more than any other person.  Why at 29 was I hit with cancer and Jared to eats yoga mats everyday is fine. 
*Yes I know bodies react to things differently.  I am not a doctor.  These are just my thoughts and feelings.

Here is why I will go to a fast food chain maybe once a week but will not step foot in a Starbucks.

Starbucks is very shady when coming clean on their ingredients.  People have the right to know if we are shoving cancer causing shit into our pie holes.  Let us make that decision.  
Cigarets have it all over their packages that these murder sticks will kill you, yet people have no problem lighting up everyday.  
Take the hint Starbucks, you will still have cancer drinking addicts.  
Starbucks has a reputation of being hippie, "clean", organic, kum-ba-yah company.  
If that was the truth why wont they list their ingredients?

Next time you order a Pumpkin Spice____ have this in the back of your  mind.

You will get get two doses of Caramel Coloring Level IV
  1. Caramel Coloring
  • It's created in a laboratory by reacting corn sugar with ammonia and sulfates under high pressure and temperature, which produces the byproduct 4-Mel.      
  • A U.S government funded study found that feeding mice caramel coloring IV increased their risk of developing lung cancer and leukemia, at every dosage level.  
  • The International Agency for Research on Cancer classifies 4-Mel as "possibly carcinogenic to humans."
  • Any food or drink that contains more than 29 micrograms of 4-mel requires a Cancer Warning Label in California.
  • The  Center for Science in the Public Interest petitioned the FDA to ban caramel coloring in 2011 due to safety concerns and the cancer risk of allowing this ingredient in our food.
  • I has no nutritional benefits and is only used cosmetically to improve the appearance of food and drinks, there is a safer alternative available to food manufactures.
  • Thankfully, the FDA is currently reviewing the safety, due to a Consumer Reports study that found excessive levels in many popular drinks.  consumerreports

In a Pumpkin Spice______ you get 2 doses of Caramel Coloring IV.
Also, if you order a non-fat grande you will get 50 grams of sugar.  Holy shit balls!!!

If you want to know more about whats in this amazing drink you can learn more from the Food Babe 

PS - if you must know the code its - FirstPSL

While I wont/don't/haven't changed a lot of my ways of eating and drinking Starbucks will not be on my list, and Caramel Color IV will be completely off of it.    

What do you think?  
Will you still be drinking Pumpkin Spice?
What are some of the foods/drinks you will not consume ever? 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

You Say I'm Ugly. I Say Fuck Off

Even though I am a One Year Survivor.
Even though I am almost One Year out from my Double Mastectomies.
Even though I am almost Two Months out form my last surgery.
Cancer still plays a huge part in my life.
There is not a day that goes by that reminds me my of "cancer" days.
 It's amazing how just a short period in your life can change and impact the rest of your life in such a way.

Right after my mastectomies I found this.

* The bottom says -

This is a breast cancer ad.  Or maybe more of a scare tactic.
You don't want to be UGLY get checked early so you don't have to become UGLY.

When I found this I was so angry.  I had so many thoughts and feelings.  I wanted to do a post right then and there.  However, I was not in the "right place."  At the time I was feeling UGLY.  I was not feeling myself.  I was mad at breast cancer for taking my old body away and giving me this new UGLY body.  I agreed with this add.  Even though it made me mad as hell!!!!

How was I to think of myself in two ways at the same time.

Awesome for fighting for my life.  Putting up with surgeries.  Weekly doctor appointments taking me away from my NORMAL life.  Four months of POISING my body.
I fought the battle.
I kicked her ASS.
I have no regrets.

Ugly due to all these new scars.
Ugly due to not having boobs.  In our society boobs are a HUGE deal.  No boobs - not feminine.  
Being bald.  There were days I loved being bald.  I felt pretty.  However, I never felt "myself" bald.  I never felt feminine.   Girls have hair.  Short, long, spiked, dyed, girls have hair.  When I was bald I always wore more make-up.  I think it was to help me feel girly.
I was fat(er).  What doctors fail to tell you is that all the medicines that will save your life will make you gain weight like crazy.  Even the chemo will plump you up.
I didn't want to fight for my life and diet.  Shit.  If I am going to go through this I am going to have that extra scoop of ice-cream.

Today I feel pretty.  I have lost some of the weight, summer has not been kind - still sitting pretty at 168.  My hair is coming back.  I can style, cut and dye it.  My life is getting back to normal.  I still have doctor appointments but only one or so a month.   My emotions are more in line.  Thank god for crazy meds! 

Then this happened.
I am part of a Brest Cancer Face Book Group. I don't really interact with it much.  A lot of people on there are Debbie Downers.  Or just ask the same question over and over.  Some post photos of them after all the shit they went through.  It's nice knowing you are not the only one out there with out nipples.(I don't post photos there.  Even though its a closed group you never know. )  I don't look at all the post or the photos.  Skim through them and see if anything catches my eye. 
There was one that did.  I wish I took a screen shot of it but, at the time it made my blood boil it was all I could do not to chuck my phone. 
This Mega Beast said she was leaving the group.  Even though she went through the same shit as all of us, she didn't want to see other peoples scars.  She thinks people need to not be so "proud" of them.  Ladies need to keep them covered as not to "scare" other people. 
She had more to say this was the topic of her post.
Who the hell are these people telling me that I'm UGLY.  That all I went through to save my life was just a quest to make people scared.  I went through almost two years of hell.  Excuse me if I make you uncomfortable!!!!

As of today I not going to let those Mega Bitches bring me down. 
I am beautiful.   
I am alive.
I am healthy.
I have boobs.  And PS.  They are FUCKING AMAZING!!!

Friday, July 11, 2014

8 Years Ago......

My sweet, sweet Ella Rose was born this day 8 years ago.
July 11, 2006
Her daddy thought it was be awesome to have an 7/11 baby.  
Ella was a bald happy baby.  She was the prettiest bald baby I have ever seen.

Ella's true personalty shined at a young age.
Ella is always happy.

She is a girl who LOVES shoes.  May they be her own or others.

Her love of babies and dolls were there from the start. 
To this day she still loves babes.  Always pointing them out to me when we are out and about.  She has a soft spot for baldies too!

Bobo, a nickname given to her by daddy, is a pure girly girl. 
May it be shoes.  Make-up.  Doing her nails.  Or talking on the phone.  She loves anything pink and glittery.
I gave birth to myself!!!


Even as a baby she was ornery.  All she wanted to do was make you laugh.  Her first grade teacher called her the class clown.
Here she is part Pops!


Her and sisters have been best friends from the start.
How lucky are they?!  Both of them get to grow up with their best friend!


I used to be a fun mom!

Ella is one of the healthiest eaters you will ever meet.  
She also LOVES her sweets.

Ella is very compassionate.  Loves giving snuggles.  And a lover to animals.


Ella makes me very proud to be called her mom.
She is beautiful inside and out.
She is a fiery pistol and very stubborn.  
She is one of the very best things that has ever happened to  me.

Happy Birthday Ella Bobo.  Mommy loves you to the moon and back.  May you stay sweet and innocent for the rest of your life!


She just makes me crave baby nuggles!