Wednesday, April 23, 2014

A friend who dies, it's something of you who dies.

"People fear death even more than pain.
It's strange that they fear death.  Life 
hurts a lot more than death.  At the point
of death, the pain is over."
                                              Jim Morrison


Tuesday 3:45am another angel got her wings.
The world lost Kady, but Heaven gained another angel.
I found out yesterday while on a field trip with Ella.  My phone kept going off, it was all my Pinksisters giving their condolences and sharing all of their memories of our sweet Kady.
I was trying to read and get a little information, but trying not to spend the whole field trip with my nose in my phone.

A lot of parents signed up to volunteer for this field trip.  Due to that in my group was just Ella.  It was a beautiful day in Kansas City to have a one on one date with my youngest at the zoo.


I held it together for the rest of the day.  It made me enjoy the field trip a little more.  Kady's death made me open my eyes at the fun day Ella and I were having.  It made the day a little more special.

That night was another story.  I hurt.  The Kansas City Zoo is very spread out.  My legs are still very much healing and they get very painful when I'm on them for a long time.
I went and soaked in the bath - no I have not been cleared to bathe and I don't care!
I was scrolling through facebook and my feed was filled with Kady.  Photos, well wishes, prayers.  It was just too much.
I got it back together have a nice dinner with the family, take the girls to gymnastics and get them to bed.
I went back to facebook.  It was time for me to read and just indulge in Kady.
Watching this video I lost it. Kady was a beautiful soul.  Always had a smile on her face.
There was a photo posted of her and her husband at a Easter Brunch.  I noted to Jason how much weight she lost but she looked amazing.
There was one reason I did not want to go to Florida to see her.  I wanted to remember the "old" Kady.  Not the "sick" Kady.  I was amazed how good she looked.  So it was a total shock to hear of her death.

Jason was next to me when the tears were flowing while I was reading her page and all the amazing things wrote about her.
Jason was making sure I was okay and if I needed to talk he was there.  I wasn't ready to talk.  I'm still not.
He asked the best question.  Jason asked if I'm sad about Kady's death, which I am, or if it hits to close to home.  The answer is yes to both.
Kady had a complete hysterectomy just a few short months ago.    They always say that the next place after breast the cancer usually hits overays or cervix. 
It bypassed those places and went to to her liver.  So, now on top of worrying about it coming back in the boobs, and being even more content after having my hysto, I'm still going to be a wreck wondering where the next place it will hit.

I do apologize for my post being so down and in the dumps lately.  With all the good going on in my life it seems like I can on think of the bad.
I am giving myself a few days to be sad about Kady.  I have amazing support from my other Pinksister.  It's always nice to text or email with someone who knows how you are feeling.

Sleep tight, beautiful Kady.  You will be missed greatly.  I will see you in a few years.  Hopefully we can be roommates there too!!!!  I love you.
People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jimmorriso109347.html#HElU9KDwq6QL2EUO.99P
People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_death4.html#WeRyByrSJwtzsKFY.99
People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_death4.html#WeRyByrSJwtzsKFY.99
People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_death4.html#WeRyByrSJwtzsKFY.99

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I'm A Fucking Liar

I typed this up yesterday.  Went to add a photo in and poof.  88% of the post went a-wall. 

I know today is Wednesday.  And I should be weighing in and laying it all on the table of my horrible eating habits.  However, this past week so much has happened that me talking about my weight just sounds dumb.  If you really do care I am at the exact same weight.  I did not log in one ounce of food I ate.  Some weeks will be like this and I am okay with that.


There were so many different titles I could of named this post.  For some reason this one stuck out to me and kept running through my head.
Why did "I'm A Fucking Liar" stick out?  I feel like ever since I was diagnosed with cancer I felt I have been lying to someone or to myself.
I've always said when I was fighting cancer I was very la-te-da about the whole situation.  It would make my husband angry and I never understood why.  This week I found out why.
If you follow me on  facebook or Instagram, blondetobald, you have heard be talking about my dear friend Kady. 
Kady is my age, 30, her cancer has come back for the third time.  This time it bypassed her boob and went on vacation to her liver.  The past couple of months she has been in and out of ICU.  She was given the treatment of once a week chemo for six to nine months.  Earlier this week she went back into the ICU due to the flu.  Yesterday we got the news that the doctors are sending her home, there is nothing more they can do.  Yesterday she went back to her home under hospice care.  They are giving her a few days to a week. I am heart broken.

Yesterday I got it.  I understood.  Jason would always get mad at me for treating my cancer with a la-te-da attitude.  I never understand why he was so mad.  Yesterday it clicked.
I had cancer.
Cancer kills people.
Cancer could of killed me.
I could be dead.

During my fighting time it never crossed my mind I would/could die.  I always thought, I would do a few rounds of chemo, have a couple of surgeries and I'll be done.  Maybe that's the way I had to think.  If the thought of dying was always on my mind how would I fought it.  I wouldn't have had the strength.  There was a reason for my attitude at the time. However, those feelings can't stay stashed away forever, at some point you will explode.

When I was battling, Jason and I didn't talk much about how we were really feeling.   He would always ask how I felt.  We would talk about what I learned at the doctor that day.  We were always discussing the next step.  I never thought of asking Jason how he was feeling, what he was thinking, how he was coping.  In my mind he wasn't the one with cancer, going through the treatments, how could this possibly bother him. 

I still don't like talking to him about how I'm feeling.  It always ends in tears and I just stop. I always link my post on facebook, I tag my parents and Jason.  The reason I do this is to get my story to more people.  That's it.  To tell you the truth I really don't want my parents or Jason reading my blog.  I don't want to seem weak.  Not able to handle everything.  Not in control.  When really inside I'm losing it, I'm dying, but I don't want anyone to know that.  I want my parents and husband to see me as beating cancer and now done with it.  It didn't affect me.  I'm all void of all emotion towards cancer. That's what I want them to see.

Last week Jason and I were in a fight, he got something I did not approve of.  He asked me, "Why he just can't have something to make him happy?"  I asked him, "When do I get to be happy?"  Jason told me to go get whatever will make me happy.  After that he went upstairs and went to bed.  I sat downstairs pissed and thinking.  What will make me happy?

*Please note that I have a wonderful life.  I have the most amazing daughters that I love more than life its-self.  I have a husband who I love with all my heart.  A husband that works his ass off to provide for his family.  A husband who works extra so I can concentrate on being a mom and not a full-time worker.  I have the best parents.  They would bend over backwards for me.  I have two siblings who I adore.  I have a beautiful house filled with crap I really don't need.  I have some amazing girlfriends who I can count on every time.  I wake up every morning knowing I have enough food to feed my family that day.  Or there is enough money in the bank to go to the store if need be.  I have a newer car that I don't have to worry about if it will start that day.  I don't have to worry about if I have enough gas to make it through the week.  My life is pretty sweet.

With the life I have why am I unhappy?  I went to bed  that night thinking what I could get to make me happy.  I woke up Friday morning to get the girls off to school I went back home and went to bed.  I got up in enough time to meet a girlfriend for lunch, I'm sure she had a blast listening to me whine about the fight Jason and I were in and she was really comfortable while I started to cry.  After lunch I went to get a pedi-cure.  I made sure to get the deluxe one because the extra $40 was going to make me happier, right?
While I was sitting there getting my feet rubbed it hit me.  Things wont make me happy.  It's not that easy.
I sent text after text to Jason.  It's easier for me to type my feelings most time - that way I can get everything I want to say without emotion taking over.
I don't want to live in fear of cancer anymore.
I want to know my cancer is never going to come back.
I don't want my friends to die from cancer.
I don't want my scars.  Yes, I say I'm proud of them and I wear them with pride, and I do, sometimes.  This is another thing I fucking lie about.  I hate my scars.  I don't want them.  I "earned" them they are "survivor" scars.  But every time I look in the mirror I am constantly reminded of what I had to go through and there is a chance of it coming back.
I hate, hate, HATE my curly hair.  
I don't want to have a complete hysterectomy in 2 short years. 
I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I can never have another baby just for a pitiful 2% chance of keeping cancer away.
I don't want to think if I happen to get pregnant will the child be "normal?" Or will all the drugs I've taken screw my eggs up.
I don't want to look on facebook or instagram and see peoples "make-up less selfies for cancer."  I don't get it and quite frankly it pisses me off. If I saw one of yours - congratulations!  I gave you "The Douche Of The Day" award.   How does you showing your mug, make-up free, show your support for cancer???  Hate to tell you, but when I battling cancer I could and did wear make-up.  I wore lots of it.  Tried different styles.  One thing I couldn't do was style my hair.  Want to show your support.  Shave your fucking head!  
I don't want to live the rest of my life without hormones.  How is my body going to react to that.  

I also had a long list of stuff him and I could work on to make me happy and us a better couple.  Jason took the challenge.  I'm falling in love with him on a completely different level.  It's amazing how one person can control your mood. 

Jason and I agreed that cancer has affected me.  Mood and feelings wise.  I need to get a lot off my chest and quite frankly Jason is not the one I can do that with.  He doesn't understand my feelings.  He doesn't know if what I am feeling is normal. I do have some great gals from WRFTC that I do talk to quite a bit.  I have found that what I'm dealing with is normal as they are dealing with the same issues.  I just hate calling them and talking about my problems when they have their own.   We have agreed it's time I go talk to a therapist.  Someone who deals with this daily and understands where I am coming from.  I go in next month for my first session.  

Cancer is a life changer.  You will never feel, act, think the same once this disease enters into your world.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Weigh In Wednesday


Weigh In Wednesday




I had all (3) my jp drains removed on Monday.  It is amazing how much better and yourself you feel when those suckers come out. 
Within a 24 hour period I was back to somewhat my old self.  Getting up more. Staying awake longer.

I did not have a set date when I was going to be back to my WIW's.   With my first surgery it took a couple of weeks before I saw pounds starting to drop.  I didn't know if it would be the same this time around.  I was going to be flexible and just go with the flow.

I entered the hospital on March 25 for my tug.  My goal was to be in the 170's on that date.  One week before I did hit that mark.  And I was on cloud 9. You can read about it here

The week before I was calorie nazi.  It did its job.  I hit the 170's.  The next week was Spring Break.  I struggled with that week.
I was so happy that I hit my goal I was a little more lax on my "diet".  I hate that word.  The girls and I went to McDonald's.  We also went out to dinner and I didn't pre-lookup my order I just ate.  And I didn't track.  Most of Spring Break I didn't track.  I was still in the 170's and I was having fun.

True story.  I entered the hospital at 180.  
True story.  I was fine with it. 

When I got home from the hospital I did not weigh myself.  Two reasons.  I knew with getting pumped with all the fluids and drugs I was not at a "true" weight.  The other reason.  The scale is upstairs.  No FUCKING way I was walking, crawling my hurting body up the steps just to step on a scale.

Monday was the first day I did step on the scale.  After drain removal and a Mexican lunch and possibly a three hour nap.  I was pleased with what I saw.  Monday was the day I decided I was ready for my WIW's.


 Welcome to Wednesday.
Once again I did have skin removed.  It was then placed on another part of my body.  While one part lost inches, another part gained A LOT of inches.  

From March 25th I am down 6.8 pounds.  
Total  - 26.5 pounds.  (13.3%)

While I am down quite a bit of pounds and inches, I don't feel smaller.  When I look in the mirror I don't see a change.  
I do with my scars and everything but not what I thought with an almost 30 pounds loss would bring.  I am more insecure in my clothes now than I did when I was almost 200 pounds.  What gives.
I think my problem is I basically had a tummy tuck.  My stomach is flatter.  I am still the same width.  And I still have my lovey dovey handles.    In my mind my flatter stomach brings more attention to the fat pockets in the back.  
I am feeling very out of portion.  And having a body image problem mentally - 100% needed for another post. 

Let's stay positive!!!
My goal for next week is 171.  
Here's to a slimmer week!


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

When Does My Cancer Club Card Expire?

At the age of 29 I was forced into the Cancer Club. 
This was never a club I wanted to be part of. 
I spent an active year in this club.  I went to all the meetings.  I met with all the higher-ups. Every month I went to the Social Cocktail.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  
I did it all while raising my young family, working, and trying to be normal.
Some days I kicked ass.  Some days it kicked my ass.

I never wanted to admit defeat.  
Never did I want to seem like I was not in control. 
Never did I want anyone to see the days cancer had me.  My body.  My emotions. 
Never did I want anyone to see the weak, sick, cancerous Sarah.

I put up a front. 
I put a smile on.
I wanted everyone to think I have poison running through my veins, a roast in the oven and cookies cooling.  All while I was running a marathon. 

Was the front for you or me?  Maybe that was the only way I could survive being in the club.

I always say;
I'm glad I had cancer. 
Great things of happened to me due to cancer.
I learned a lot from cancer.  A lot about me, my friends, mostly of my family.

While I mean that 99.9% of the time.  There is that .1%.  That percent is the part that scares the living shits out of me.

People will tell you;
You can't live in fear.
Worrying about it wont change anything.
Live life and whatever happens happens.

Those are all easy things to say when you are not in the Cancer Club.
When you tell something along those lines to a Cancer Club Member - they will say, "I know."  Deep down we are all thinking "Fuck you and the fucking cancer free horse you rode in on."  It's true.  I have told my husband many  times to "fuck off" in my head when I was having a pity party.  Us Cancer Members know what you say is true, there are times we don't want to hear it, or don't want to swallow that pill that day.

Last night was a "fuck you" night. 
My room mate, from WRFTC Retreat, starts her third round of chemo for breast cancer today.  Weekly cocktails for four to six months. 
For the third time she will lose her beautiful hair. 
For the third time she will feel sick and not herself.
For the third time she will question if this is the one that ends it all. 
She is my age and cancer has ripped her of some many things. 
She has an amazing, very good looking, caring husband.  Yet, they will never have a baby that is their own.  She had a complete hysto this past winter.  My worst nightmare that is creeping closer and closer.
She has amazing friends, family and supporters.  Yet, we can't keep the cancer away and keep her safe.

Last night I had a meltdown night for my roommate.  I shed tears. I shed my worries.  I sent all the prayers and plea's that I could.  I lost a night sleep thinking of her. I sent her good, healing vibes. 
Did any of it work.  Will it work.  Who the fuck knows. 
The Cancer Club Sucks and I want out.






Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Weigh In Wednesday


Weigh In Wednesday
What a week.  I had a goal set for myself.

I wanted to be in the 170's before I went in for my next surgery, which is next Tuesday.  You can read about it here.

Thursday & Friday last week were great.  I was home by myself during the day, which means I can control what I eat during the day.

Addison spent the night at a friends.  Ella got special "only child" treatment.   She chose where she wanted to eat and what we were going to do that night, we went on a walk with the dogs.  
Ella chose Chinese for dinner.
I can eat chicken fried rice until I burst.  Plus all that rice is just sitting on the plate begging you to eat it.
 I was able to resist over filling my tummy with rice.  I only had one crab rangoon, one chicken terryaki plank, and two cups of rice.  It was a 650 calorie dinner.  Even with going out to dinner I was still able to stay under my calorie goal. 

Like I said last Wednesday, I am tracking all my food and calories using myfitnesspal.  It's an app on my phone, you can find me under ScrumptiousMama.  Even Jason has started using it and lose some poundage, go him!!!
With MFP you put in how much weight you want to lose per week, goal weight, starting weight, and activity level.  It then will give you a set amount of calories to eat per day.  1,460 is my lucky number.



Saturday I even did amazing.
After the girls' last basketball game we went to breakfast at IHOP with my in-laws.  I'm not a big breakfast fan.  However, biscuits and gravy, and IHOP pancakes are my weakness.  Oh, and bacon.  oh, bacon.  Then add some sunny side up eggs, toast.  Needless to say if I wanted everything I have a "weakness" for I would not of been able to eat the rest of day, or the next!  I had self-control and ordered just a short stack.  Three pancakes.  That's it.  I only used 630 calories.  I had enough for a "real" dinner and even have part of a chocolate bar!


Then we come to Sunday.   Sunday just started bad.  A chocolate long john started the day.  I can live without donuts except long johns.  I was determined not to slip into "old ways".
Start out eating shitty and then saying fuck it, I'll restart tomorrow.
Jason and I went and had a little lunch day date.  I had a water and salad bar.  I kept it low on the cheese and very low on the dressing.  It was a $7.99 wasted on blah-ness.  But, I felt good with the choice I made.  We stopped by the store on the way home.  Jason got little reeses eggs.  I told myself I could have two.  And I did, plus five more.  All I could think of was eating more junk and all I could think of was the other chocolate long john.  Even with all the crap I ate, I was only over 60 calories.

I forgot how hard it was to eat better and try to lose weight with the girls home.  The girls are birds.  They eat little meals every 15 minutes.  Always wanting me to make them something.  I am constantly surrounded by them eating and food smells.  Very tempting.  Plus, I forgot how long it takes to measure and weigh your food.  Everyone is almost done eating and your still measuring like a drug dealer.
It has helped a little that Jason has boarded the "Get Smaller Train".

Monday & Tuesday I did great and stayed within my calorie goal even with the girls home. I tend to weigh myself every morning.  I stopped doing that last Friday.  The scale was playing a huge mind game with me.  I was letting the scale dictate my mood for that day.  I was done with it. With doing that I started to have dreams of my weight.   Even though I have stayed within my calories or even under I would have dreams I gained.  Huge mind game. 

Can't get much better than this!




When I saw this, I about shit a kitten.  I cannot tell you the last time I have seen a seven as the middle number!! 
That's two pounds this week!
Since January 29th I am down 20.4 pounds.
My main goal this week is to not gain!  I hit twenty pounds.  I am in the 170's.  My goals have been met to enter the hospital.
Very happy with my week!

I will do a weigh in on Monday.  I will not start my weigh-ins until all my tubes are out.  At-least three to four weeks.

Here's to a slimming week!!!

 


7 Days Until My Next Surgery!

I hate these stupid keep calm things.
I forgot how hard it was to blog with your children home.  They demand your attention 24/7.  Mom, make me breakfast.  Mom, come out and play with us. Mom, can we go on a bike ride.  Mom, when's lunch. Mom.  Mom.  MOM!!!!!!!
And the mess they can make.  Goodness.  They are like walking tornado's!!!

Now that I have a 15 minute break, I will let you know the going on's for next Tuesday.
March 25 - I will be heading back downtown for reconstruction of my left breast.  I will be having a tug flap. 

Basically, the surgeon will make a cut from pelvic bone to the back underneath the cheek. 
It will be one inch under the bikini line. 
I'm really worried about pain this go around.  My diep I wasn't too concerned.  I have had two c-sections so I kinda expected what was coming.  However, both my legs are getting cut open.  I am worried about siting, standing, and walking.  Basically living.  I am hoping I have the same level of pain as I did with the diep. 

I am ready to get on to the next step yet.  No, no I'm not.
 Gif Yes or No

I'm ready-
I'm ready to get this hard baseball out of my chest.
I'm ready to be on to the next step and one step closer to being done. 
I'm ready to have two flappy birds.
I'm ready to sleep again.  I have not had a good night sleep in 3 days.  I can't fall asleep and I can not stay asleep.  I'm dying here!!!!

I'm not ready-
I'm not ready to have pain.
I'm not ready to have drains.
I'm not ready to not be able to take baths again.  Fine - I never got the go ahead to start taking baths again.

During my diep I was really nervous about going under.  I never used to mind it, but the older I get and now have a family, I hate it.  I watch too many medical shows, nothing good happens on those shows. 
My diep was 14 hours.  I was really nervous about being out for that long.  The Tug I am only out for 6-8 hours.  Short and sweet!

I originally planned  on having my surgery this week.  That way my mom and sister would be off work/school.  The girls would be home on spring break.  Jason would have the week off with us.
However, we went with next week and I'm glad we did.  My parents went out of town, and with the girls having this week off, I get to spend more time with them and allow myself more time to plan for next week.   

The count down is on.  In the next seven days I will be having fun with the girls.  Taking as many baths as possible.  And spring cleaning the house.
Here's to next week!


Friday, March 14, 2014

1 Year Cancerversary

February 22nd was my One Year Cancerversary!!!!!
Cue the cheesy song-
I'm a survivor 
 I'm not going to give up
 I'm not going stop 
 I'm going work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it 
 I will survive 
 Keep on survivin' 

Okay enough of that shit.

 
 
I really didn't know how I was going to handle that day.
*Would it be another day, worship the ground my children walk on while being their personal maid and chef?
*Would I sit and think about it all day?  At this time I got the call.  At this time I was making this appointment.   At this time we were telling the children.  At this time I was wondering if I was going to survive. blah, blah, blah

To make matters worse Jason was going to be out of town, I know huge surprise, so I didn't have back-up if I started to have a meltdown.  I sometimes tend to be a drama queen or a tad whiny.

Knowing all of the different outcomes I could potentially have, I thought the best one would be going out and getting drunk!

Last minute I got a group of people to go out with me and drink and celebrate, others just celebrated. 



 We went down to the Power and Light District.  Howl At The Moon is one of my favorite bars.  Plus, I thought my parents would get a kick out of it. 

My wonderful sister:
and Kyler took the girls across the street to the Alamo Drafthouse to watch the Lego movie.
 After the movie, mom took everyone, 18 and under, back to their house to spend the night.  My father, lucky bastard, got to spend the rest of the night with me!  I've been told I am a talkative drunk, thirty minute car ride with me is pure joy!
The Luck DD.  I made him hold the glass to fit in.  He thinks I'm an idiot.  And that's okay.


There is also a video of me when they called me up to celebrate.  However, that little gem will only stay with me and no one will see that piece of work.  oi


These two people are so lucky to call me their daughter!















 P.S. Only Cool Kids go to bars with their parents.
               



 

Only good decision happen when you drink booze out of a plastic bucket!  Well worth thirty bucks! 

Needless to say I had a wonderful night and I am proud to call myself a survivor.  Here's to another year!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I Am Not A Scar

My dear friend/neighbor, Val, sent me a email yesterday.
I was flabbergasted while reading it.  Val started the email -

I thought of you when I read about this contest.  You are an excellent writer, and your story is amazing, so I think you would win for sure!!!  There is a cash prize AND you get to be published (again).  J  The only negative I saw is a REALLY short deadline….  Good luck!!!

I never have thought of myself as an "excellent" writer, hell, I think of myself as one of the worst writers out there and I am still amazed I have people who read this blog and make it all the way through to the end of a post.
My grammar is horrible, spelling sucks, and sometimes I can't even make a whole sentence that makes sense.  

But, I have a friend who thinks differently,  and who am I to argue.  I spent all day yesterday trying to think of what I should say or how I should say it.  
I can write when I don't have to write about something, give me a topic and a bomb.  

With the help of Rob James this is what I submitted.  Thank you, Rob, for your help.  
Thank you, Val, for thinking I have what it takes to be a "published" writer.  And, thank to everyone who takes the time out of your day to read my story.  I am forever grateful!

-->


When you make games that award prizes to the person who can pull the biggest clump of hair from their head … you know you’re in uncharted waters.

There I was, though – 29, young, and not yet ready to face the end. Nobody is ever ready, of course, but when the end is revealed in a 30 second phone call – the very fabric of your life is fractured and disrupted forever. Facing the end, it seems, is a lonely, lonely place to be.

I’m sure I shared the same thoughts as any other woman recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Why me?  I’ve always stayed faithful to my friends and family; I work hard; I pay my taxes; I selflessly raise my family … I did everything right.

Worrying about the why, however, is where most of us get sidetracked. It’s not about us, really. Hanging up the phone, I realized … it was about them.

How do you tell your children that mommy might not be around for graduation, their first car, or even middle school. My life was dedicated to their lives, after all. How do you tell them these things? I actually felt responsible for staying healthy … What would this do to my family?  


I went through four rounds of chemo, my hair fell out after the first round.  I included the girls during my hair loss experience.  When my hair was gone and I was bald, the girls took turns putting lotion on my head and making wishes. You could say that I handled chemo like a champ. I was still a "super mom,” and I did everything as usual. I took my kids on field trips, I made class treats, and even played. I slept more and worked less, sure. But I was still … me.  

At some point, I discovered that treatment comes with a price … and my body was no longer mine to keep. When I had my double mastectomy, my life turned upside down. No longer beautiful in my own eyes, the tubes and drains coming out of me reminded me that I was both fragile and broken. I had no boobs and was in a lot of pain.  I was not able to be the mother I wanted to be to my children nor the kind of wife I wanted to be to my husband.  I was at my lowest of low. 

But those were my perceptions of me … not anyone else’s. This is an important lesson to learn. I kept a blog the whole time battling cancer, and it help me deal with the things that I really didn't want to reveal to anyone. People's comments and encouraging words helped me see I am the same person without boobs. 

Scars. After my mastectomies, I found out that I had another three surgeries ahead of me. Once again I hit a low point … another road block.  But now surgery had a face. And that face is the scar. Cancer patients will understand this. I was beginning to be defined by the product of surgery – the scars, bruising, and my nipple-less boobs.  I didn't see a person any more … just one big hack job. 


Thankfully, there is always light. I got to go to a breast cancer retreat for women under the age of 40. Thanks to all these wonderful ladies I began to see myself in that light. They taught me that, despite my scars, I am indeed part of a very special group.  I am a Survivor.  Better, I am a role model to my young girls that no matter what you see on the outside – bald and covered with scars – you will always be beautiful. 

So here I am.

I am not a cancer patient. I am not a hack job. I am not a scar.

Today I am more beautiful and confident than at any other time in my life. I am forever buoyed by friends and family unmoved by my circumstance. I have the strength to bare my bald head to the public. 

And my scars …

These are more than scars. These scars are me.  They reveal my battles, and I wear them with pride.




Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Weigh - In Wednesday

Weigh In Wednesday

It's no secret I have been battling with my weight since my children were born.   I gained 50+ pounds with each of them.

After Addison was born, I easily lost the 50 pounds in a short six months with the help of Weight Watchers.
  
I was in the 140's here
However, nine months later I would be pregnant with number two!
I gained the same 50 pounds I just lost.  I thought the weight would just melt off like it did the first time.  Oi, I was wrong!

I hit the 160's, this was the lowest I ever got after Ella's birth, I gave birth both time over 200 pounds.  209 to be exact. 
My 24th birthday
The weight was coming off, slowly, but it was going away.
Then pre-school happened.  The school I picked for Addison was a good thirty minutes from our house.
I would very rarely go home during her half day school.  We would meet friends a couple of times a week for lunch or I would go to the store right after I picked Addison up, we would eat lunch at the store.
The pounds kept coming and I was in denial.  Quickly I was back up in the 200's

200's
I would yo-yo with 20 pounds here and there.  Never really fully commenting. 

183
Thanks to boot camp and new bra shopping I felt my lump of cancer.
I put getting the lump checked out for a couple months and I quit boot camp.
I started going to the gym but its just not the same.
I need someone to tell me what to do.  I need someone to hold me accountable.  I would be at the gym thinking of all the chores I still need to get done.  Most of the time I would get bored/tired, I just wanted to go home, so I did.  
I did not lose any weight during my journey with the local gym.  All I did was maintain. 

When I found out I had cancer and needed chemo I decided to quit the gym.  I knew I would not have the same amount of energy.  Plus, it was getting warmer, I could continue with my walks and runs.  

At the start of chemo I did great at keeping active.  I ran a 5k.







I quit running in June.  Part was my body just could not do it anymore and the other was my feet would get blisters the size of Texas.  I swear my skin changed during chemo. 

I also thought I would lose weight with chemo.  You always hear about those people who lost all that weight and look sick.  I wanted to lose all that weight without the looking sick part.
Fun fact - Chemo cocktails for breast cancer usually causes weight gain due to all the steroids. I was one of the lucky ones that gained, 15-20 pounds. 

Then the holidays hit.  I stopped caring what I was eating.  Everything and anything went into my mouth, I switched from diet soda to fully loaded.  I was in fat girl heaven! 

I checked into the hospital seven weeks ago for my diep, tummy tuck, and breast reconstruction.  My jaw hit the floor when I saw 199.7 on the scale.  Holy fuck batman!  Yet, at the same time I was happy I was not 200 pounds. 

When the last drain came out I jumped back on the scale, surely with having so much stomach skin/fat removed I would have lost weight.  Granted some went to my boob, but not all, right?!?!
I got another shocker when I saw the scale read out 199.7.  Shit.

I made a goal, when I went in for my next surgery, March 25, I would be in the 170's.  179.9 was just fine with me!
I started using myfittnesspal app.  I dropped to 183 in just a few short weeks.  However, I jumped from 182-183/4 for the next few weeks.  Something had to change.
I started weighing and measuring my food, I forgot how time-consuming that was.  I also started drinking slim fast.  I have two a day.  I snack on fruits or chocolate covered pretzels, this girl needs her chocolate!!!  I would eat whatever I made for dinner.  Portion control.  I also have upped my activity.  I am constricted on what I can do due to my surgery. 
I am happy to announce I lost 1.2 pounds this week, this was my first week for the slim fast.  I am down to 181.0.  I have not been this weight in four years.  I am over the moon!
  
In seven weeks I have lost 18.4 pounds. 
Next week is spring break and the girls are going to be home.  Next week will be a big challenge for me!

I was wishy washy on if I wanted to share my weight with the "world".  But, I thought, what the hell, I showed you my boobs mine as well share my weight!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Pre-Op Tug

Yesterday, Monday, I had my final doctor appointment and my pre-op before my next surgery.
14 days until my tug!!
Two weeks ago at my last appointment I had fluid build up in my stomach.  I had 150cc's worth of fluid drained from my tummy.  If I didn't get it drained my stomach skin would never fully attach to my innards.  From what I understand.
Since I had so much fluid at my last appointment she wanted to re-check to see if more built up.  I wore my binder 24/7 hoping I wouldn't have to get stuck with a huge needle in my stomach, needless to say the binder didn't work 100%.
X marks the spot.
She was very happy with the amount of fluid.  Only 40cc's this time.  This means I don't have to go back until its time to slice and dice me!
I am still to wear my binder 24/7.  It keeps everything nice and tight.
At the appointment we went through all my pre-op work up.  Paperwork, etc.

I was then sent to another building to have blood work done.  Checking of my white blood cell count and hemoglobin.  This just means more needles and more fluids coming out of my body, and yet, another waiting room.
 In other news I am two weeks free from doctors appointments, unless you count the dentist.  I'll take needles over the dentist!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Two Deaths and a Funeral

We are surrounded by life and death daily.
To me, both are a time for celebration.
One is to celebrate a new life, a precious baby.
The other is to celebrate a life a person lived.  To reminisce about that person.  A time to think about all the memories you and that person shared.  A time to tell stories.
Death brings people together.

March 2, 1998 my grandmother, Colette Rose Weisbeck-Peyton died.

At the time I was 13, there was no joy for me.   There was only sorrow.  I could only think about how the candy drawer would never be full again of miniature reese's peanut butter cups.   Or when I visited her at work, my grandpa and her owned a liquor store, we would never walk next door and get ice-cream again.  I would always get pink bubble gum with little pieces of bubble gum in the ice-cream.  The bubble gum was always harder than a rock and you could never really chew it.  Or how she would never send me next door with a five dollar bill to Walgreens to buy a fuzzy poster.
I remember staying the night and always waking up to the smell of coffee, eggs, and smoke.  I can still smell that smell, I loved it.
I remember one day I was over at her house, it was a Sunday, I was in the eighth grade.  I had a paper due that Monday.  This was the time when typing your papers out was new, not all teachers required it, this particular teacher did.  I remember grandma setting down this massive yellow/greenish type writer.  Now mind you my grandpa had all new the newest technology.  There was a computer in the next room.  However, we knew better than to touch grandpas computer,  paints and brushes.
I thought I was a good at typing.  I never realized how much I use the delete button, and still do.  I can look back and laugh now, but I have never been so stressed at typing something out.  I waited til I got home and finished my paper.
It's weird what memories are stronger than others.  I often wonder what my children's memories of their childhood will be.

I 99.9% was sure I was going to survive this cancer battle.  However, there was the .01% that hung in the air.  That little nagging little voice telling you, you are going to die.  Cancer is going to kill you.  You will never see your little girls grow up.  They will forget what your hands look like.
It's amazing when you think you are/could die what you think about.  I was worried my children would forget what my hands look like.
Of course you think of bigger picture things, first dates, proms, graduations, weddings, grand-babies.  But, the hand thing hit me hard.

I knew my grandma was close to me while I was going through chemo and at other times in my life.  Out of the three grandparents that I have lost she is the only one that "talks" to me.
When I was pregnant with Ella my grandma came to me in a dream.  We were in my living room, I can tell you exactly where she stood and what she said, but for the life of me I can't tell you what she wore.   She asked me how my pregnancy was going.  She was excited it was going to be another girl, she thought I was a good mom to girls.  At this point I didn't know Ella was a girl.  She told me some other things but, I like to keep them between her and me.  This is how Ella became Ella Rose.
She came to me one other time.  It was after my first chemo when I got the blood infection.  I could not tell you if I was asleep or awake.  At the end of my bed there she was.  Once again, can't remember the clothes.  This time we did not have a conversation, only she talked.  Once again that will stay with me, but I knew I was not dying just felt like it.


I never told anyone but, I had my funeral all planned out.
I wanted a simple casket white lining on the inside, I didn't want anything pink.
I wanted my own pillow, the one I slept on every night.  I didn't want some fru fru pillow that came with the casket.
I wanted to be buried in my sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt.  Unless it was summer, then I wanted my black yoga capris and a t-shirt.  I want to be bare foot.  I want my flip-flops and Uggs in the casket with me.  You never know!
I want Jason to place a single band on my wedding finger.  I don't want to be buried with any of my jewelry.   I want my children to have it all.
I wanted my viewing to be held here where I live.  Even though clothing wise I look like shit/normal everyday like, please make sure my hair and make-up look good.  Nothing special just always how it looks.
I wanted my funeral to be at Assumption Church.  I'm pretty sure my grandparents were married there. My grandfather funeral was there.  Both my babes were baptized at Assumption.  My wedding was planned there, but something else came up.
Music I had picked out was Ava Maria.  I walked down the aisle hand in hand to a very important man to marry the man of my dreams to that song.  Plus there is a little joke that goes with that song.
I also wanted, It's a Wonderful World, by Louis Armstrong.  That was the song my father and I danced to at my wedding.  The last song would be by Dean Martin, You're Nobody Til Somebody Loves You.  That was the song Jason and I danced to for our first dance.
I didn't want a huge/long catholic service.  Even dead I didn't want to sit/lay through it.  Plus the Body of Christ bread makes me gag.
I wanted my mom, dad, sister, brother and husband to share a memory of me.
 I want Wisdom 3:1-9 read
The souls of the righteous are in the hand of God,
and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace.
For if to others, indeed, they seem punished,
yet is their hope full of immortality;
Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,
because God tried them
and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,
and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their judgment they shall shine
and dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,
and the LORD shall be their King forever.
 Matthew 6:19-23
“When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. 6But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. In praying, do not babble like the pagans, who think that they will be heard because of their many words.Do not be like them. Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
 The Lord’s Prayer.  
“This is how you are to pray:
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
1your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread;
12and forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors;
13and do not subject us to the final test,
but deliver us from the evil one.
  If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.

At the end I wanted each one of my girls to have two flowers. They will lay a single flower (their choice) on my casket, they will keep the other flower to remember me by.  
This will be the end of the funeral.

I wanted to be buried by my grandparents.  On the hill overlooking the green land.  I want to be surrounded by people I loved.  

I usually don't like to post stuff like this.  There are many emotions that come with having cancer hell, just living life.  Today is a somber mood kind of day and felt the need to share with you.  

Have a happy Monday and hug someone you love tight tonight.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Many Faces of Cancer

 This is me. Almost 1 year ago. 
This girl is sick.  But looking at her you would never know it.
 This girl has no idea what's about to happen to her.  She does not know what kind of long and twisted road is ahead of her.  
She's excited to get the show on the road and rid the cancer from her body.  She is also scared to death of the outcome.  
Little does she know what all will happen in this short year. What all she will learn about life and herself.   All the ups and downs.  The good news and the bad. 
At this point, in her cancer story, the last chapter has not even been wrote. 


 
This girl has poison running through her veins.  Happy that its killing the little cancer tree's but worried about what that poison is going to do to her long term.  
This girl will sport this hair cut for only 2 weeks.  
When she got this hair cut she hated it.  Not the hair cut, per say.  The meaning of it.  The reason she had to cut it.  Cutting the hair is the first step to admit she is sick and things are about to change.  Looking at her you still wouldn't think anything is wrong with her.  Kinda an out there mom with pink hair.  
In one week she is going to have a blood infection from her numbers getting so low due to chemo, she is going to wish she dies.   It is going to be one of the worst weeks of her life.  This is the first time she is going to find out how much support and love she has.
The next week her hair will start to hurt and fall out.  A few strands here and there at first.  A few days into it she will be able to pull clumps out.  
She will be embarrassed to go out into public with the "dead" hair and bald spots.   


 

This girl is in the middle of it all.  By now she is used to all the weird looks and stars. The kids, talking behind her back to their parents.
This girl is trying to teach her daughters that hair does not make you beautiful.  You make yourself beautiful. 
Beauty is on the inside.  Beauty is through your smile.  Beauty is how you treat people.
This girl is trying to teach her girls that people will stare and talk behind your back.  This girl is trying to teach her daughters that it's ok.  How people view you is not the way YOU have to view yourself. 
This girl is trying to teach her daughters how to spread the word about breast cancer. 
This girl is trying to be brave and tough and have a thick shell that nothing bothers her.  While most of the time she is there is a 1% time she is scared shitless.

 

This girl is Cancer Free!!!
This girl is in a weird spot.  She is smack dab in the middle of her cancer story.  Still unsure how the ending will go.
This girl has up and a lot of downs.  This girl does not have the same body she did six months ago. 
She has lost a lot of cheerleaders and supporters.   (Once the cancer is gone people think you're fine, good to go.  Little do they know this is the hardest part of ones cancer journey.  They no longer have fight or survival mode.  They don't know what to do next.)
This girl is trying to get used to a lot of new things.
New scars.  New boobs that she will not keep.  New hairthat looks nothing like she had before.
This girl is starting to feel feelings that she suppressed during treatment.  She is letting her feelings come out and sort 'em out and deal with them.
This girl cuss' cancer at every moment she can.  However, this girl is happy she had cancer.  This chick is a tad crazy!
This girl got to go on an awesome cancer retreat.  One that has changed her life forever!
This girl got a $500 shopping spree, thanks to all your votes, to dress her after cancer body.
This girl got an article published about cancer.  This one still is mind boggling!




This is the newest girl.
This gal couldn't stand the curl, they were not her, and she didn't feel like herself!
This girl is almost at the end of her book.  She is getting used to her scars and is becoming proud of them.
This girl is letting all the emotions come out and not holding anything back.
This girl is on the last chapter of her cancer story however, she is scared to death there is a part two or even three.
This girl is happy to start feeling like herself and be the mom she wants to be.
This girl takes her life one day at a time and enjoys every minute of every day, even if it's just being lazy and having family snuggle time.

What's the next face?  I don't know. I just don't know.  But whatever it is she will embrace it and make it the best face that she can!









Thursday, February 13, 2014

Good Bye 2013 - Hello 2014

Sorry this is so long.  I did not intend for it to be a book.  I went through a lot last year.  I would not of changed one thing, not one.  
I am glad I had cancer.  It proves how strong I am, what amazing friends and family I have and that I can rock any hair style!!! :)  
I also made some great friends and memories thanks to cancer.  
There are many up and downs that occurred last year but that is common with or without cancer!!  
I hope you enjoy this read.  There are many parts I had problems getting through.  
I linked a lot of past post.  Ones that really shared what I was going through.  
If you have not done so Please read the link I posted in Oct.  I was very fortunate to have an article published!
Thanks






We are now a few weeks in to the New Year.  It has given me enough time to sit back and reflect on 2013..and holy shit was that a year!!!!
I am not going to say the year 2013 was horrible, awful, just wished it never happened.
Nope, I am perfectly fine with 2013.  I wouldn't want to do it over..but then again I am glad I went through it.
2013 started off bad and just got worse.
January 3rd we had to put our 5 year old yellow lab, Hank, down.  He had a rare bone cancer. 
Hank was a pain in the ass dog that I cursed daily.
But, oh we he was a snuggler - once you got him to calm down!  I miss Hank every day.

Late January the famous Rob James contacted me for a photo shoot.  Rob did Jason and my wedding photos, and they were beautiful!
 *Let's have a trip down memory lane, shall we? 










 










 

 Rob was getting back into photography and need a real life model - read fat with cellulite.   

 


This photo has been cropped for your viewing pleasure.

Rob did an AMAZING job.  If you are in the Meridian, Idaho area and need a photographer call him! 


At first I was very insecure - I'm not the most secure person with my body.  So sticking me 1/2 dressed in front of a camera and telling me to smile was not the easiest thing I've ever done.
I thought,  What am I going to do with half dressed photos of me?  Where will I even hang them?!?  What will I ever do with them?!
I never ordered photos from that shoot.  Now a year later I kick myself for not doing so.
Rob I'm going to need a re-shoot when all this is said and done!!!!


February - 19th.
2:00pm  I go to the breast center at St. Joesph Medical Center. They have walk-in mammograms.   I was going to get a quick breast squeeze, prove to my husband that the lump in my right boob is nothing, and head back to get the girls after school.
I ended up staying at the breast center for 3 hours.
I had the mammogram.  I put little stickers where I thought the lump was so they could really concentrate on that area.  After the squeeze I was sent back into a little room, I was told NOT to change out of my cape.  No more than 10 minutes later, its amazing how fresh that day is still to me...it's like I just had that day today.
10 minutes later the mammogram gal came into the room and told me they would like to do a ultra sound on the right breast where the lump is...just to get a better picture of what it is.
I had the longest ultra sound of my life that day.
By this time I have been at the breast center for a little over an hour.  Jason was surprised to hear I was still at the hospital. At the time his office was right down the hall from the breast center.  He came in to see me after I told him that they wanted to do a biopsy.   
I know he was torn.  He wanted to stay with me in the dim lit room while 12 inch needles were jabbed into my breast..and a 36 inch needle/pincher device was, oh so gently, poked and prodded to get the perfect biopsy.  However, he had to rush to make it to Columbia, Missouri.  Plus, I told him it was no big deal.
While waiting for my boob to numb up the sono tech, who I absolutely adored,  and the radiologist, who became one of my favorite doctors, sat in the room with me.  While waiting they kept asking if I wanted to meet some of the Nurse Navigators.  I kept declining the offer.  Meantime I kept going back in forth in my head, do they know something and they aren't telling me, or is it common to meet the navigators "just in case."  They way they kept asking should of been a telling sign however, I wanted to keep my head in the clouds for as long as I could.

Wednesday - January 20th.
I went to work with one of the sorest boobs ever in my 29 years of life.  I told my boss what all happened the day before.  We agreed it was nothing to worry about.  I was too young.  No family history.  I was good.

Thursday - January 21st.
This day I got to stay home with my 2 babes.  We had a major snow storm.  Jason went into work that morning.  By noon he was sent home.  The roads were so bad it took him over 3 hours to get back home.  I was so worried about him getting home I didn't really have a lot of time to think about my lumpy boob.
My mother also had a snow day that day.  We talked on the phone a few times.  She assured me it was just a fibroid.    I drink too much caffeine.  My aunt has lumpy, fibroidy, my blog I get to make words up, boobs.  Don't worry myself with it too much.  And really..I didn't.

Friday - January 22nd.
Just writing that date instantly brought tears to my eyes, the ugly crying kind of tears.
This has been one of the hardest post I have wrote. I have had to start and stop writing it many times due to all the emotions I was feeling.   During my "battling" days I shed not one tear.    I kept my head in the clouds.  My husband used to get so angry with me for not showing any emotion.  He was so mad I was so flippant about it.  At the time I had no emotion for what I was going/getting ready to go through.  Maybe that was my copping mechanism.  Who knows.  I just remember an argument  with him, I can remember this just like it was yesterday too.  I just got off the phone with someone..another phone call telling someone I had cancer of the tit.  I had laughs.  I had "its no big deal."  I hung up the phone. We were on right by All Star Gas Station.  Heading east.  And he looks at me and just goes off. 
How can I have no emotion to this. 
Why am I not mad? 
Why will I not cry? 
Why do I act like its no big deal and just laugh it off. 
I turned to him and shouted "what will tears do?  What will being mad do?  Will it make the fucking cancer go away?" 
After that he left it alone.  We never had another argument on how I was "supposed" to feel about this whole fucking, shitty deck of cards that were just thrown hard at me.  
Anyway, back to Friday.  The girls and I had another snow day, Jason stayed home this day too.  Mid-morning my phone rang.  It was my ob.
Fun factoid - I worked with my OBGYN for about 2 years.  I worked with him during my pregnancy with Addison.  8 months later I was back to seeing him monthly, bi-weekly, and then weekly.  We share a different kind of relationship than most doctor patient's do.
I grabbed my phone and went up stairs.  I answered the phone..not sure what feelings to have yet.
He comes onto the line..."Sarah this is Bruce."  A nurse was not calling me.  He did not start the conversation with, "Sarah, this is Dr. So and So."  Nope.  I got the fucking first name.  Instantly my stomach dropped.   I just remember  after he said his name - the only words that came out of my mouth were "You have got to be fucking kidding me."  He went on to say, "would you like to make an appointment to come in and talk..or do you want the news over the phone?"  I asked him if the news would change if I came in to see him.  All he said was afraid not.  Got it.  I have cancer.  All I asked him was if this was going to kill me..his only answer..I just don't know...I wish I did..but I don't.  Well fuck me till next Tuesday.
Another fun Fact!  I received the news I had cancer and that Hank had cancer in the same exact spot.  At the end of my  side of the bed sitting up.  Both times the bed was unmade.    The rest of the day was phone calls after phone calls.  I finally got to talk to a nurse navigator - and I could not of went through this journey without her.    
You can read more about that day here.

March -
I had one doctors appointment after another.  Never learning anything new.  Always leaving another appointment feeling like I just went over the same information with another doctor yesterday.  I was ready to get something, anything started.
This post talks about MRI and what size of lump I have.  This was the first information I really got about my cancer.
This is also the month I found out I had to have chemo.  I went through this whole cancer thing tear free.  When my oncologist told me I had to have chemo and would defiantly lose my hair - that was the first time and only time I cried - until after my mastectomies that is  :)  Well Shit talks about me finding out about having to have to chemo and what options I had. 
Further into the month I was finding out more about my cancer.  Size.  Stage.  Type.  Here I shared everything I knew at this point. 
After one doctors appointment after another and having my "normal" life come crashing down on me, my parents decided a Canceration is what I needed.  We packed up and went skiing!  Since is was last minute my husband was not able to get off work and go with us.  It was so nice to have fun and not worry about the future or the hell I was about to go through.
We got back on a Sunday from Colorado.  That Monday I went and had my port put in.
PSA- if you are reading this and about to or really if you ever need chemo GET A PORT!  Makes chemo so much easier!!
I had my first round of chemo this month.  Chemo sucks.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  It knocks the shit out of you.  My first round of chemo went something like this!

April -
Welcome to my birthday month.  A birthday I was really not looking forward to.  The dreaded 30!!!!  Jason tried to make this birthday fun and special for me.  He booked a trip to Vegas.  Sun, warmth and booze.  Lots and lots of booze!!!!!!
However, I spent my 30 bald and sober.
During my first chemo session my chemo nurse, who I loved, told me 2 weeks after chemo my hair will start to fall out.  PS - she was dead on!  She said cutting it short makes losing your hair a little less scary.  The weekend of Easter I went to go visit Erin at Ego's, if you are in Topeka and looking for someone awesome call her!!!  I have went to her for years and never left unhappy!!!!
I had a few photos of haircuts I was going for...she nailed it!  I always wanted to be bleached blonde...I have been close but never all the way.  This is what Erin came up with..and some other ramblings - like finding out I had a blood infection.
April 13 I had my shave party/birthday party.  I have yet to do a post about it.  It's my goal for 2014.  There are many reason why I have not done that post.  1. I was not ready.  I was "ok" with losing my hair.  I had a lot of my friends and family here to support me.  It was falling out so quickly and it hurt I was ready for it to go.  However, I have tried writing my shave party post 3 times.  I stopped all 3 times.  A lot of emotions were brought back up.  At the time I was not ready to have those emotions.  (This post is a hard one for me to write - going back and re-reading all my old post and reliving it..it's fucking hard. But, I feel better doing it..almost like a purge.)    2. Most of the party photos are on my mom's computer.  I never really think of getting them when I'm there..one day I will post about that day...one day.
Wanna see what your hair looks like coming out in clumps..what your hair looks like dying..this was only a week and a half after my hair cut..PS hair falling out hurts like a mother fucker!..Here  is me going bald.
This month I had my second round of chemo and decide that I need to run a 5k.  Round 2.
There are many reasons why I wanted to run a 5k during cancer and chemo.  1.  I wanted to say "I fucking ran a 5K during chemo.  2.  I wanted to do something "normal."  I have a love/hate relationship with running.  I hate running.  But I love how I feel afterwards.  The same goes for 5k's.  I ran 3 before this one.  It wasn't pretty..but I did it and am proud accomplished it!

May -
I had my 3rd round of chemo in May.  I also think chemo started to effect my brain this month.  I start to feel survival guilt.  That my cancer is not a "real" cancer.  I felt that I didn't deserve the kudos and words of encouragement from my family and friends.  Bat Shit Crazy is the theme for this month!
I also had my 4th and final round of cancer this month.  This round kicked my ASS!!!

June-
June started out, well, just Ugh.  I had chemo fuzzy brain soo bad.  I couldn't be part of a conversation.  I would try to register what you said, then try to think of a response, by then the conversation had already moved on.  I always had the deer in the headlights look.  The first few weeks of June Jason and I did not talk much. I tried to explain how I was feeling here.
My sister has always been special to me, I think even more so with a 13 year age gap.  June and July I could not of made it with out her.  More about my sis here.
June we also took a family vacation to the Florida Keys.  (I tired to make a collage of photos.  All 3 times it locked my computer and made me say a lot of big kid words..so now you just get photos to scroll through! Enjoy!!!!)
We started the vacay at an alligator farm.






We went and swam and painted with dolphins. 





The view from our room


We went snorkeling.
Our snorkeling spot.
The 7 mile bridge that takes you to Key West

I can't wait for my thigh lift!!!

Key West
 Everybody needs a rooster in their front yard!

                                                                               



                                                                                 Loved this tree
L




Welcome to Mile 0.  Where is all starts!

Ernest Hemingway's House



July - 
Started to feel more like summer.  I only had a handful of doctor's appointments.  The girls and I spent a lot of time at the pool working on our tans.  
We celebrated Ella's 7th birthday and Addison's half birthday.  
Excuse me again for the long list of photos. 
The goodie table
Ella's 1/2 of the cake

Addison's 1/2 of the cake










July was also the month that I lost the part of my body that kept my babies alive in their first months of life.  This is how I felt one week from my surgery.  


August-
This was the hardest month for me.  I had a lot of mom guilt.  I had a lot of pain.  I had a new body to get used to.  And, fuck, it was hot!
Four weeks out from surgery my feelings and about my double mastectomies. 
August was also my first meltdown.  This month I was a fucking mess.  
The girls' also started school this month. 
Why do children have to grow up so fast.  I swear I just gave birth!  I have the pounds to prove it!!!

September-
I was one step closer to being done with this cancer thing.  I had my port removed!!! 
I had the most amazing experience at Woman Rock For The Cure.  I still can't believe I was one of 18 picked to experience this.   You can read about my amazing time Here (how I was picked and my going back and forth if I was going to go) and here (how I can't fly alone, something always goes wrong).  Here (everything that went down in Nashville - still one of the best things that ever happened to me!!!!)

October -
Welcome to Pinktober! 
This month was an amazing month!!! 
I was shocked to find out I was the "face" of the Gardner Cancer Foundation!!  My mug graces the front page of their flyers.
This month an article I wrote back in March was published.  This is one of the things I am most proud about.  As a shitty writer to have something published is simply amazing!!! 
Our family grew by one.  We welcomed Elanor to the family. 

November-
I developed cording. 
 If you develop axillary web syndrome, you'll often be able to see and/or feel a web of thick, ropelike structures under the skin of your inner arm. Lymphedema therapists often call these "cords." (In some cases, you may not see or feel the cords, but sensations of pain and tightness will tell you they are there.)
I am living with cords. 
But I am a survivor. 
I just have to pull back, because I am limited. 
Because I have cords. 
Best movie ever!
Due to cording I had to go to physical therapy once a week for an hour.  Cording and after cancer updates

December-
This month was kind of a shit month.  I had a lot of girl problems.  
Great news my period came back.  Bad news a lot of testing and pain was brought on due to it.  

Here is to a New Year!!!  Bring it on 2014!!