I know today is Wednesday. And I should be weighing in and laying it all on the table of my horrible eating habits. However, this past week so much has happened that me talking about my weight just sounds dumb. If you really do care I am at the exact same weight. I did not log in one ounce of food I ate. Some weeks will be like this and I am okay with that.
There were so many different titles I could of named this post. For some reason this one stuck out to me and kept running through my head.
Why did "I'm A Fucking Liar" stick out? I feel like ever since I was diagnosed with cancer I felt I have been lying to someone or to myself.
I've always said when I was fighting cancer I was very la-te-da about the whole situation. It would make my husband angry and I never understood why. This week I found out why.
If you follow me on facebook or Instagram, blondetobald, you have heard be talking about my dear friend Kady.
Kady is my age, 30, her cancer has come back for the third time. This time it bypassed her boob and went on vacation to her liver. The past couple of months she has been in and out of ICU. She was given the treatment of once a week chemo for six to nine months. Earlier this week she went back into the ICU due to the flu. Yesterday we got the news that the doctors are sending her home, there is nothing more they can do. Yesterday she went back to her home under hospice care. They are giving her a few days to a week. I am heart broken.
Yesterday I got it. I understood. Jason would always get mad at me for treating my cancer with a la-te-da attitude. I never understand why he was so mad. Yesterday it clicked.
I had cancer.
Cancer kills people.
Cancer could of killed me.
I could be dead.
During my fighting time it never crossed my mind I would/could die. I always thought, I would do a few rounds of chemo, have a couple of surgeries and I'll be done. Maybe that's the way I had to think. If the thought of dying was always on my mind how would I fought it. I wouldn't have had the strength. There was a reason for my attitude at the time. However, those feelings can't stay stashed away forever, at some point you will explode.
When I was battling, Jason and I didn't talk much about how we were really feeling. He would always ask how I felt. We would talk about what I learned at the doctor that day. We were always discussing the next step. I never thought of asking Jason how he was feeling, what he was thinking, how he was coping. In my mind he wasn't the one with cancer, going through the treatments, how could this possibly bother him.
I still don't like talking to him about how I'm feeling. It always ends in tears and I just stop. I always link my post on facebook, I tag my parents and Jason. The reason I do this is to get my story to more people. That's it. To tell you the truth I really don't want my parents or Jason reading my blog. I don't want to seem weak. Not able to handle everything. Not in control. When really inside I'm losing it, I'm dying, but I don't want anyone to know that. I want my parents and husband to see me as beating cancer and now done with it. It didn't affect me. I'm all void of all emotion towards cancer. That's what I want them to see.
Last week Jason and I were in a fight, he got something I did not approve of. He asked me, "Why he just can't have something to make him happy?" I asked him, "When do I get to be happy?" Jason told me to go get whatever will make me happy. After that he went upstairs and went to bed. I sat downstairs pissed and thinking. What will make me happy?
*Please note that I have a wonderful life. I have the most amazing daughters that I love more than life its-self. I have a husband who I love with all my heart. A husband that works his ass off to provide for his family. A husband who works extra so I can concentrate on being a mom and not a full-time worker. I have the best parents. They would bend over backwards for me. I have two siblings who I adore. I have a beautiful house filled with crap I really don't need. I have some amazing girlfriends who I can count on every time. I wake up every morning knowing I have enough food to feed my family that day. Or there is enough money in the bank to go to the store if need be. I have a newer car that I don't have to worry about if it will start that day. I don't have to worry about if I have enough gas to make it through the week. My life is pretty sweet.
With the life I have why am I unhappy? I went to bed that night thinking what I could get to make me happy. I woke up Friday morning to get the girls off to school I went back home and went to bed. I got up in enough time to meet a girlfriend for lunch, I'm sure she had a blast listening to me whine about the fight Jason and I were in and she was really comfortable while I started to cry. After lunch I went to get a pedi-cure. I made sure to get the deluxe one because the extra $40 was going to make me happier, right?
While I was sitting there getting my feet rubbed it hit me. Things wont make me happy. It's not that easy.
I sent text after text to Jason. It's easier for me to type my feelings most time - that way I can get everything I want to say without emotion taking over.
I don't want to live in fear of cancer anymore.
I want to know my cancer is never going to come back.
I don't want my friends to die from cancer.
I don't want my scars. Yes, I say I'm proud of them and I wear them with pride, and I do, sometimes. This is another thing I fucking lie about. I hate my scars. I don't want them. I "earned" them they are "survivor" scars. But every time I look in the mirror I am constantly reminded of what I had to go through and there is a chance of it coming back.
I hate, hate, HATE my curly hair.
I don't want to have a complete hysterectomy in 2 short years.
I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I can never have another baby just for a pitiful 2% chance of keeping cancer away.
I don't want to think if I happen to get pregnant will the child be "normal?" Or will all the drugs I've taken screw my eggs up.
I don't want to look on facebook or instagram and see peoples "make-up less selfies for cancer." I don't get it and quite frankly it pisses me off. If I saw one of yours - congratulations! I gave you "The Douche Of The Day" award. How does you showing your mug, make-up free, show your support for cancer??? Hate to tell you, but when I battling cancer I could and did wear make-up. I wore lots of it. Tried different styles. One thing I couldn't do was style my hair. Want to show your support. Shave your fucking head!
I don't want to live the rest of my life without hormones. How is my body going to react to that.
I also had a long list of stuff him and I could work on to make me happy and us a better couple. Jason took the challenge. I'm falling in love with him on a completely different level. It's amazing how one person can control your mood.
Jason and I agreed that cancer has affected me. Mood and feelings wise. I need to get a lot off my chest and quite frankly Jason is not the one I can do that with. He doesn't understand my feelings. He doesn't know if what I am feeling is normal. I do have some great gals from WRFTC that I do talk to quite a bit. I have found that what I'm dealing with is normal as they are dealing with the same issues. I just hate calling them and talking about my problems when they have their own. We have agreed it's time I go talk to a therapist. Someone who deals with this daily and understands where I am coming from. I go in next month for my first session.
Cancer is a life changer. You will never feel, act, think the same once this disease enters into your world.